I started this blog when my guy went long haul trucking. I thought this would be a good venue for him to see what I'm up to, what I'm thinking, another source for us to stay connected. An old fashioned twitter of sorts, huh? lol
Well, as the years roll by, we seem to never see each other. Life's struggles are just as bumpy when you're not in the presence of your significant other on a daily basis. And maybe, life is even harder to deal with when you only have 24 to 48 hours to share in person with your man.
I find that I skip over all the real issues - bills, chores, things that just need to be done - and get to the fun in life, leaving the "to do" lists undone when he's home. Then, when he leaves, the list of "to do's" are still there, and I feel overwhelmed that nothing ever gets done unless I do them. And to be honest, some of the things, I just cannot physically do them. I feel bad for even mentioning this, I feel guilty even, knowing he just cannot be home. He has to work.
Then I remember, sure, he's not home every night, but he is home two or three days in a row before leaving again. Not as often, but sometimes he's home four to five days at a time. Many times, he's home during the week while I'm at work. So, in my mind, he's got time to do some of these "to do" things.
Then I think about how he's been gone on the road, and just sitting at home doing nothing, seems perfectly okay. I understand.
But then, I think about how darn tired I am after working 10 hour shifts with an hour and half lunch in the middle... makes for 12 hour days! I don't want to do any work when I get home either. But, come my days off, the dishes and laundry and mopping and cleaning, etc.... all needs to be done!
Don't get me wrong, I love my man, I love having fun with him.
Since I told him the other day, I want a husband, I have been thinking. Thinking long and hard about "us." What is "us?" Who are we? What are we doing? Gosh, I just turned 49 this year, he's in his 50's. I realize now, I want more from our relationship, and it's just not gonna happen.
It's just never easy.
I have a funny story... I get wound up and scared, pretty easily.
The other night, I'm sitting here, watching t.v. alone when I thought I heard someone at the front door. The door is dead bolted locked. Then, I heard a twist of the handle, a jiggle back and forth. Hmm... some one's out there and they seem to want in. I even thought I saw a shadow through the stained glass window next to the door! All of a sudden, I hear the weirdest sound, "zzz-zzzzz-zzz-zzzzzzz!" OMGosh! Some one's actually trying to drill their way into the house! OMG!!! It was about the time I thought my heart was going to LEAP out of my chest when a VHS tape popped out of the VCR!!! :::::::::try to breathe::::::::: (Auto eject!)
One of my dogs had probably stepped on the remote control (we have remotes all over the couch), turning the VCR on and there was a tape in the deck. The tape played, unbeknowned to me, all the way through, and when it reached the end of the tape, it automatically re-wound! (click, click, zzzzz-zzz-zzzzzzz-zzzzzzzzzzz...) OMGosh!!! I could have just died!!! LOL
I really do hate being alone!
Feelings and Grief
1 week ago