Thursday, June 30, 2005


I posted these photos earlier this week and forgot to include my Journal entry! Goes to show you where I'm at mentally, huh? LOL

So, once again...


The view from my parents' backyard is absolutely beautiful, even breathtaking. My parents retired from their jobs and moved to Idaho five years ago, following me from California. They built their home long distance, if you will., through the photos I took on a daily basis. I bought my very first digital camera when they were shopping for a lot to build their home on. Then, I went around to the different subdivisions and found several "perfect" lots. I would send the photos via email... it would take hours to email photos back then! They decided on this lot, definitely a "perfect" lot. There would never be any homes built to block their view of the mountains just north of Boise. The large pond behind their little fishing guy, is a spur off the Boise River, full of fish and wildlife. And yes, that's a golf course on the other side.

This statue in my parents' yard reminds me of my little brother... he is such a fisherman! I remember his first catch when he was just three years old!

When my Dad had another heart attack a few weeks ago, I called my daughter. She hasn't answered my calls since Christmas, so I left a message. I explained my Dad was in the hospital again. When she called back, we talked about her visiting sometime soon. My Mom had started her chemo treatments and was feeling very sick. My daughter wanted to come home to visit her grandparents, I wanted to help her do so. We figured out which days my Mom would feel her best between treatments, and booked her flights for her visit.

My daughter arrived last Saturday night. I hadn't seen her since our upset before Christmas, and I wanted everything to be perfect for her stay with me that night. Hence, the SIX HOURS of shampooing carpets after working 50 hours at work all week! I was so exhausted. Tired as I was, I picked my daughter up at the airport and we went to dinner, just the two of us. It was really nice to visit with her. I miss her so much. She would stay Saturday night with me, then Sunday morning we would go to my parents' together. Sunday night, she would stay with my parents and spend all day Monday with them while I returned to work. Monday night she would come back home and I would take her to the airport, early Tuesday morning.

Our visit Sunday with my parents was good. Good for a while. My Mom just doesn't realize the sharpness of her tongue, she never has. She insisted that this was my daughter's visit with them, as if I was imposing. And before long, she was bringing up issues from our bout at Christmas.

At one point, I turned and looked my Mom, straight in the eyes and told her what she was saying was not true, that these awful things never happened! She accused me of lying. I was shocked! Was she there when these supposed things happened? No. I was furious!

It is so hard to love someone who can say nothing good about you. My Dad tried to "hush, hush" my Mom. He knew she was outside safe boundaries with me. Me, I just wanted to fly out of there, but I didn't. I never do.

Why do I sit there and take such verbal attacks? Is it out of respect for her - don't talk back to your parents? Is it that I'm used to such verbal abuse from her, that I let it roll off me? Well, my stomach turned to knots. It was not rolling off me at all. About then, someone piped up and mentioned the birds and roses outside, and maybe I'd like to go out and get some photos. This is when I took these beautiful shots of my parents' yard. I left a few minutes later.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for either of my parents. I want to spend time together as a family, having bar-b-ques and holiday dinners together. I want to help them with anything and everything they need, especially now that their health is failing. But a person can take so much before they know they cannot be around the people that inflict so much pain. My Mom calls me ungrateful, and says it was a mistake for them to move here.

My daughter had a wonderful visit with my parents. I'm so glad for this. I hope she's able to visit again soon. She and I never spoke of our troubles at Christmas, and I was dying to resolve some of the issues that occurred, bringing the holidays to a screeching halt, tearing my family apart. Now, riding to the airport, she could not run away, she was held captive. I'm sure my timing was not right. My mistake. But, the holidays will be here again before we know it, and I really do want to work things out with my family. What I found out is, bottom line, there will be no reconciliation of the issues from our Christmas falling out. Ever.

Within minutes of me dropping my daughter at the airport - there were no hugs, it was a bitter departure - my Mom called. She wanted to thank me for planning this visit with my daughter and making it happen. She says she had a wonderful visit with both of my kids and wished she could see more of them. She was on her way to her chemo treatment, as she spoke. I was on my way to work. An hour later, I received a text message from my daughter, she was home in Seattle.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Sadie, Babies and Things...

Sadie showing the babies, her little sisters, how to pose perfectly for the camera. See how intently the babies are listening to Sadie?

Sadie says, "See, this is how you pose perfectly for the camera." Now 13 weeks old, Sadie is full of spice. What a character! She chases the other dogs all over the yard, plays tug, comes when I call her, and cuddles on command. Oh, and she's found her voice. She's not shy about letting us know when she wants something.

Are these puppies cute or what!? And, they posed perfectly for the camera. At five weeks old, Maggie and Lacey, are just starting to come out of their shells. They play and growl and bark, little tiny barks, and rassle with the big dogs. They are just too cute.

So... What's a gal do with some of the money she made from selling a few puppies? Yep, that's right. She purchases a carpet shampooer! Needless to say, after puppy-rearing, my carpets are shot! My guy has been looking at these machines for a couple of years. I prefer to call the local professionals to come in and do the job for me. He tells me, "...we should buy on of these, think of the money we'd save..." My response has always been, "...but then I'd have to do all the work..." Sure enough.

I planned to have company this weekend, so I called the local professionals to come out Saturday morning before my company would arrive. But, coming to my senses, I just couldn't spend another $120 to have the carpets cleaned by someone else when we have this brand new machine. I canceled my appointment and got out the monster. My son showed me all the ins and outs of using this machine. After SIX HOURS, my carpets were spotless! I am SO sore! Six hours! ARGH! But, I have to admit, this machine did an excellent job on my carpets! By the time I finished, my daughter was due to arrive within the hour...

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Just Venting...

Life... It's just really hard sometimes. I feel my world is falling apart. I'm sure it's just a "mid-life crisis" syndrome, or maybe an "empty nest" malady. But, I had NO IDEA I would be 45 years old, and all alone. And, I am NOT happy.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married to my prince charming, having kids, a home and all that went along with raising my own family. By my mid-40's, my kids would be leaving home and my spouse and I would begin to enjoy life on our own. There was no doubt in my mind that I would have these things, it was just how life was going to be.

I did get married to a man I loved with all my heart. I was very young. Three years later, we had our first child. Within a few years, we had bought a couple of new cars, and then bought our first home. Everything fell into place, just like I dreamed it would. A few years later, we had our second child. Life was good.

Scroll forward to today...

I find myself divorced after nearly 20 years of marriage, struggling financially, living with another man for more than eight years now - my guy - whom my parents strongly dislike. (I didn't think I'd find love again) I rent my home. My daughter lives two states away and rarely ever calls. My son turned 16 years old in March, buys his own truck - his dad paid for it and promised to help with the insurance costs. My son finds not one, but two part time jobs which turn out to be three quarter time jobs, and he's become a figment of my imagination - he's never home anymore.

For you fellow journalers who have stayed with me since earlier on, you know that I had a major family upset during the holidays this past winter. Devastating me, and my family. This involved me and my guy, my kids, and my parents. I tried to resolve issues by phone calls between me and my father. We agreed a mediation at our church for all of us would be best. After our meeting with the church folks, my dad canceled our plans to spend Christmas together as a family. No one's been the same since.

My Mom has come down with breast cancer and is very, VERY ill and doesn't want any company. A couple weeks ago my Dad had another heart attack - docs say there's nothing they can do for him this time. He's not strong enough to tolerate another bypass surgery. He had bypass surgery a year and a half ago when he experienced a major heart attack.

My Gramma has had one bout of pneumonia after another since Christmas. She had to move out of her own home and into Assisted Living. She's been sicker since living there than she ever was at home.

And, my guy has found, though he misses being home with me, he enjoys living in a truck on the road seven to ten days at a time, and doesn't think he'll be finding a local job with normal working hours any time soon. Besides, it's the best money he's made in years. With everything going on at home, I can't really blame him.

Me - I try to hide behind my camera lens. But, to be honest, lately I haven't even been able to pick up my camera. My other vice is work. I hang out there many more hours than required so I don't have to come home to an empty house. Empty house? I do have dogs. Lots of dogs! They are wonderful, giving unconditional love. It's just not the same...

I do need to get new photos of Molly's babies, they're so cute... they'll be five weeks old already on Friday. Wow! I can't believe how fast time has flown by.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

A Lot On My Mind...

Little Miss Sadie...She's 10 weeks old this past Monday and doing great. The vet checked her out and gave her a perfect bill of health a couple of days ago. She weighed in at just about two and a half pounds. Did you notice, her ears are up! Yorkies come in all shapes and sizes, some with ears up and some with ears down. AKC standards prefer ears up, so we're excited. Isn't she just adorable?

And, Molly's baby girls... are three weeks old now. I've moved them from the privacy of our bedroom corner to our livingroom. Their little eyes opened last weekend. Molly is such a good Mom. We worried she wouldn't have anything to do with the babies, but nature's mother's instinct came on strong with Molly. She barely lets us hold these girls. I think being in a more public room will help Molly be less stressed when one of us picks up her babies. She's very protective of her little ones.

Molly's Girls, three weeks old... All babies are so precious, animal or human. Tonight, they tried to walk around the newspaper in the bottom of the kennel and looked like Bambi on ice! It's too funny. They can lift themselves with their front legs, but their back legs haven't quite figured out how to maneuver...just too cute!

Other things happening here in My World...I received my son's report card in the mail this week... he got straight A's! I cannot be any prouder of him. He's done a fantastic job keeping his grades up at the Medical Arts Charter High School, which grades much harder than the regular High School here. He'll be a junior next fall.

My Mom's chemo treatments are pretty rough on her. Seems it takes nearly two weeks to recover from the treatments only to encounter another one. She has a couple of good days, just before the next treatment. There will be 16 chemo treatments in all, one every other week. All her hair has fallen out, she wants me to photograph her and my Dad together... they now have the same hair do - fuzzy bald. Before her treatments, she did purchase a couple of wigs, which look really nice on her, and had her eyebrows tattoo'd. Her treatments will go through November.

If my Mom's present health condition wasn't bad enough, my Dad had another heart attack a week ago. I spent last Sunday and Monday at the hospital with him. Sunday, when he was rushed to the ER, my Mom stayed with him as long as she could. She wouldn't leave him until I arrived. Monday they ran tests. He has two collapsed arteries and he's not strong enough to tolerate surgery to repair them. His main artery is good. For now, the docs want to wait before they do anything more for him. He had a massive heart attack in Jan 2004. They did bypass surgery then. My Dad's home now.

I tried to call my parents today, to see if there's anything I could do for them. There was no answer, they never called me back. This photo of them was taken in May, last month, just before my Mom's treatments started.

I did talk with my daughter today. She would like to come home to visit her grandparents. I told her I would help pay for her ticket home, she lives in Seattle. We'll see if we can work it out so she can be here in the next few weeks for a couple of days. We'll try to make it on one of my Mom's good days, just before another treatment.

My guy is on the road, this time he brought along his nephew, Jake. The truck has an upper bunk in the sleeper. I think Jake is 14 years old. He was pretty excited about going trucking to Nevada, California and Oregon, and back. He'll be great company for my guy. Of course, Ozzy is with them, he's the truck dog. They'll be back Tuesday or Wednesday.

Until next time...

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Our Memorial Day Weekend...

Memories... The sun glistening off the small water crests at Lucky Peak Reservoir reminded me of a photo I took, years ago, of my Grampa in a small row boat on the Brownlee Dam at Hells Canyon, Idaho. The lighting on the water then was very much the same as this. The dock was very inviting. Thirty-five years ago, I might have run out to the end of the dock and jumped in! Today, I just took in the scenery and enjoyed my time out of the house with my guy.

Lucky Peak Reservoir... It's just a short drive, about 25 miles east of home. It was a beautiful day and we had been couped up in the house all weekend, not feeling well enough to get off the couch. This shot was taken at the south-west end of the reservoir, closest to Boise. This photo does not show the many boats on the water that day... We saw sail boats, ski boats, row boats, kayaks, canoes and rafts. The dock above was taken from clear across this photo and to the right some. Can you make out the trees along the banks clear across there? There's a park there with a marina and little store. All the parks around this reservoir are for day use only. Here's some info on the reservoir...

How long is Lucky Peak Reservoir? The reservoir is 12 miles long.

How much shoreline is there on the Reservoir? There are 45 miles of shoreline, most only accessible by watercraft.

How deep is the Reservoir? When full, it is 258 feet.

The high desert here is turning green and just coming into full bloom . We had a record rainfall this May, highest ever recorded. Though rain was much needed, I believe we are still in a drought here.

Water level at full capacity.

Looking back, towards Boise at the Boise River, above the dam.

Leaving the reservoir, we came upon an Amphicar! Check it out! It's a land and water car. This couple had pulled out in front of us on our way home, dripping water from it's tail end. I wish we had seen it in the water, and coming out of the water... that would have been cool!

See the water propellers underneath? This was just too cool!

New Beginnings...

Molly had her puppies Friday night while we were out to dinner. We had just given our first of Lucy's pups away before going to dinner and came home to more! This was May 20th. By that Sunday morning, one of the little ones passed away.

Molly's girls at two weeks old, Friday, June 3rd.

Tawny, the first to go to her new home... She is going to be spoiled rotten by these two! And, they've requested to buy one of Molly's babies so that Tawny will have a sister!

Lily, second to go to her new home. Lily joined her family of four kids, last Saturday afternoon. They do not have any other pets and plan to get another Yorkie from us next year.

Bailey, left Memorial Day afternoon. Bailey is joining a housefull of boys and Abby, their one year old Yorkie.

And Sadie, last but not least... We are keeping her! Sadie comes to work with me and gets to visit with our patients everyday. Sadie, at nine weeks old, weighs just two pounds. A bundle of fur and joy. The patients love her. I'm told over and over again how Sadie has just made our patients' day.