Life... It's just really hard sometimes. I feel my world is falling apart. I'm sure it's just a "mid-life crisis" syndrome, or maybe an "empty nest" malady. But, I had NO IDEA I would be 45 years old, and all alone. And, I am NOT happy.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married to my prince charming, having kids, a home and all that went along with raising my own family. By my mid-40's, my kids would be leaving home and my spouse and I would begin to enjoy life on our own. There was no doubt in my mind that I would have these things, it was just how life was going to be.
I did get married to a man I loved with all my heart. I was very young. Three years later, we had our first child. Within a few years, we had bought a couple of new cars, and then bought our first home. Everything fell into place, just like I dreamed it would. A few years later, we had our second child. Life was good.
Scroll forward to today...
I find myself divorced after nearly 20 years of marriage, struggling financially, living with another man for more than eight years now - my guy - whom my parents strongly dislike. (I didn't think I'd find love again) I rent my home. My daughter lives two states away and rarely ever calls. My son turned 16 years old in March, buys his own truck - his dad paid for it and promised to help with the insurance costs. My son finds not one, but two part time jobs which turn out to be three quarter time jobs, and he's become a figment of my imagination - he's never home anymore.
For you fellow journalers who have stayed with me since earlier on, you know that I had a major family upset during the holidays this past winter. Devastating me, and my family. This involved me and my guy, my kids, and my parents. I tried to resolve issues by phone calls between me and my father. We agreed a mediation at our church for all of us would be best. After our meeting with the church folks, my dad canceled our plans to spend Christmas together as a family. No one's been the same since.
My Mom has come down with breast cancer and is very, VERY ill and doesn't want any company. A couple weeks ago my Dad had another heart attack - docs say there's nothing they can do for him this time. He's not strong enough to tolerate another bypass surgery. He had bypass surgery a year and a half ago when he experienced a major heart attack.
My Gramma has had one bout of pneumonia after another since Christmas. She had to move out of her own home and into Assisted Living. She's been sicker since living there than she ever was at home.
And, my guy has found, though he misses being home with me, he enjoys living in a truck on the road seven to ten days at a time, and doesn't think he'll be finding a local job with normal working hours any time soon. Besides, it's the best money he's made in years. With everything going on at home, I can't really blame him.
Me - I try to hide behind my camera lens. But, to be honest, lately I haven't even been able to pick up my camera. My other vice is work. I hang out there many more hours than required so I don't have to come home to an empty house. Empty house? I do have dogs. Lots of dogs! They are wonderful, giving unconditional love. It's just not the same...
I do need to get new photos of Molly's babies, they're so cute... they'll be five weeks old already on Friday. Wow! I can't believe how fast time has flown by.
Anxiety Dream #870439
1 week ago