Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Just Venting...

Life... It's just really hard sometimes. I feel my world is falling apart. I'm sure it's just a "mid-life crisis" syndrome, or maybe an "empty nest" malady. But, I had NO IDEA I would be 45 years old, and all alone. And, I am NOT happy.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married to my prince charming, having kids, a home and all that went along with raising my own family. By my mid-40's, my kids would be leaving home and my spouse and I would begin to enjoy life on our own. There was no doubt in my mind that I would have these things, it was just how life was going to be.

I did get married to a man I loved with all my heart. I was very young. Three years later, we had our first child. Within a few years, we had bought a couple of new cars, and then bought our first home. Everything fell into place, just like I dreamed it would. A few years later, we had our second child. Life was good.

Scroll forward to today...

I find myself divorced after nearly 20 years of marriage, struggling financially, living with another man for more than eight years now - my guy - whom my parents strongly dislike. (I didn't think I'd find love again) I rent my home. My daughter lives two states away and rarely ever calls. My son turned 16 years old in March, buys his own truck - his dad paid for it and promised to help with the insurance costs. My son finds not one, but two part time jobs which turn out to be three quarter time jobs, and he's become a figment of my imagination - he's never home anymore.

For you fellow journalers who have stayed with me since earlier on, you know that I had a major family upset during the holidays this past winter. Devastating me, and my family. This involved me and my guy, my kids, and my parents. I tried to resolve issues by phone calls between me and my father. We agreed a mediation at our church for all of us would be best. After our meeting with the church folks, my dad canceled our plans to spend Christmas together as a family. No one's been the same since.

My Mom has come down with breast cancer and is very, VERY ill and doesn't want any company. A couple weeks ago my Dad had another heart attack - docs say there's nothing they can do for him this time. He's not strong enough to tolerate another bypass surgery. He had bypass surgery a year and a half ago when he experienced a major heart attack.

My Gramma has had one bout of pneumonia after another since Christmas. She had to move out of her own home and into Assisted Living. She's been sicker since living there than she ever was at home.

And, my guy has found, though he misses being home with me, he enjoys living in a truck on the road seven to ten days at a time, and doesn't think he'll be finding a local job with normal working hours any time soon. Besides, it's the best money he's made in years. With everything going on at home, I can't really blame him.

Me - I try to hide behind my camera lens. But, to be honest, lately I haven't even been able to pick up my camera. My other vice is work. I hang out there many more hours than required so I don't have to come home to an empty house. Empty house? I do have dogs. Lots of dogs! They are wonderful, giving unconditional love. It's just not the same...

I do need to get new photos of Molly's babies, they're so cute... they'll be five weeks old already on Friday. Wow! I can't believe how fast time has flown by.


linda said...

Your entry has really struck home with me. I am lonely alot too. The man who I've been living with for 11 years, the father of my daughter has decended into a pit of alcoholism over the past 5 years. We rarely talk and he ignores me most of the time. I try to keep busy but there is no subsitute for someone to love. Hope things get better with your folks. Linda
Comment from naturegirlfromny - 6/22/05 3:43 AM

mosie1944 said...

I am saying a prayer for you.
Comment from mosie1944 - 6/22/05 4:22 AM

carolyn said...

Life is full of changes. Just when you think you can't take it any more changes. Just remember it is "always darkest before the dawn"

Can't wait to see the pictures of the babies!!

Comment from shelt28 - 6/22/05 5:05 AM

jae said...

I am sorry you are feeling so is not exactly what you thought it would be like, is it? I do know how you feel. I have no words of wisdom, but I am out here in J-land, and can lend an ear (or should I say eye?) when you need to vent...can't wait to see the pups! JAE
Comment from yakima127 - 6/22/05 7:46 AM

gotomaria said...

This will sound like a cliche but try to see the good things you your son and his straight A's. Your talent for photography. Your ability to write. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that you will find happiness and that you will be sent treasures beyond measure.
Comment from gotomaria - 6/22/05 8:11 AM

jasmineandlace11 said...

I am sorry..gosh that is a lot for anyone to deal with..
after 20yrs of marriage..that is so hard I bet to start over.
Things have a way of working out..just put it in gods hands.
Best of luck to you..
Comment from jasmineandlace11 - 6/22/05 8:28 AM

ari said...

I wish you didn't have to be alone.

Big hugs.

Comment from mechants - 6/22/05 1:20 PM

becky said...

{{{Hugs!}}} It's hard to see the positives in your life when you are lonely. And it sounds like you are going to be in for a boat load of loss soon with so many family members having such serious health problems. I hope the rift in your family bonds can be repaired before it's too late. :-( I hope things turn around for you soon.
Comment from ryanagi - 6/22/05 3:25 PM

sylvia said...

I have been married 39 years come 23rd July, but am lonely like you. My hubby was diagnosed manic depressive 5 years ago. I lost him then, he is a shell of his former self. Feel for you.
Comment from sylviam4000 - 6/22/05 4:02 PM

val said...

Hang in there kiddo! Life sure knows how to dump a load of poo on us doesn't it? I know I am getting jittery thinking about this being Rains last year at home before she graduates, although she says she's never leaving, you know how teenagers minds change, just like the wind. I wish you the best, I hope it all gets better for you.
Comment from levi1023 - 6/22/05 9:22 PM

tc01hm said...

Everyone has their moments and trials. The strength we use to get through the times in our lives that are difficult prepares us to feel better when we know we have done our best and lets us all live with the events in our lives that we can't control.
Over a year ago, I moved my Mom to my home. She is 84 and has Parkinson's. I picked up a camera because photography for me is an un-fulfilled dream. The camera has kept me sane during some very trying times.
Good wishes!
Comment from tc01hm - 6/23/05 8:53 AM

susan said...

Life definitely takes turns we never expect. It's a struggle to find our own happiness - Happiness that isn't based on other people. I'm settling on contentment for the moment. I'll move on to happiness when and if I have the energy. Hugs..hang in there... Life has a way of constantly changing...
Comment from sieblonde - 6/23/05 9:16 AM

syna said...

(((Cyber Hugs To You))))))) P.U.S.H. ( Pray Until something Happens) It makes you stronger.
Comment from synamom2k - 6/24/05 8:43 PM

monica said...

((((((((((HUGE CYBER HUG 4 YOU)))))))))) I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I've remarried since and feel blessed to have found someone so wonderful. I wish I had some magical way of changing things for you. I can't ... I can keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers.


Comment from sonensmilinmon - 6/24/05 9:10 PM

hope4meeeee said...

Comment from hope4meeeee - 6/27/05 2:22 AM

kat said...

You really do have a lot to cope with. It's so hard when a family is distant with each other...or uncompromising. And I know how worried you must be about your mom.

You do have to find your own ways to take care of yourself. Your wonderful puppies are one...and losing yourself in your photography is definately another. It's funny...I just wrote something about "hiding behind my pictures" just a couple of days ago. It's an escape I allow myself....and it does help.
Comment from sunflowerkat321 - 6/27/05 1:36 PM

lisa said...

Oh I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, especially involving your parents. That's so hard, especially when they are ill and older. You must take care of you to be of benefit to others, so make sure you are number one! Life is so tough, isn't it. Right now my 88 year old Grandma is in the hospital with a severely broken leg, right near her hip socket. She may not be able to make it thru surgery. So I understand! I hope things are better for you soon! Take care. Lisa
Comment from cw2smom - 6/27/05 9:57 PM

sonya said...

Oh, I hope things change and you find the happiness you deserve. Keep hoping! Keep hanging in there.
Comment from bookncoffee - 7/4/05 10:04 AM

nettie said...

I hide behind my camera too, I understand that...I'm so sorry for all these trials and tribulations you are experiencing right now...I wish you peace and calmer happier days ahead...
Comment from cneinhorn - 7/5/05 8:32 AM