Wednesday, April 09, 2008

I'm Numb, So Much to Handle

A week ago today, I took my lunch break at the nursing home where my Gramma was dying. My parents had been with her all morning. They needed a break so I brought some sandwiches for lunch.

I met my dad in the parking lot. He was taking the minister who prayed over my Gramma, back to the church. He would be back soon.

I remember when I was in the hallway, just outside Gramma's room, I could hear my mom. My mom was letting Gramma know she was there, "I'm here mom, I'm right here." Gramma did not want to die alone.

There was a nicely decorated cart of coffee, tea and water, and snacks for us aside the closet. Gramma was at her end. She would not be pulling through this, this time.

My mom was not doing well, she was taking this pretty hard. I would be no different if that was my mom lying there. My mom needed a break and stepped away for a few minutes. I was there, I would be there as long as they needed me.

I stood by Gramma's side, holding her hand and caressing her shoulder. Gramma loved her family, many had gone before her. The room was filled with photos of all her loved ones. Through these photos, we surrounded her, even when we were not there. Gramma was breathing sporadically. Her eyes were winced tight as if she may be in discomfort. The nursing home had given her comfort medications. Though she was not calling out, she still seemed distressed.

As she would catch her breath, I would tell her I was there. Then remembered, Grampa was waiting for her on the other side. I told Gramma it was okay to go, go find Grampa. Find that old fishing pole and go fishing with Grampa. My fondest childhood memories are of them camping and fishing. Then, I remembered her love of the beach! "Gramma, go to the beach, go, it's okay."

With that, Gramma took her last breath. Her eyes relaxed and she was gone.

Grammas are so special, we love them dearly, and mine was no different. I loved her most dearly, and will miss her!

Today, my son left for Ft. Sill, Oklahoma. Finally. He's been to the final physical and returned home due to his respiratory infection, twice already. Yesterday, he passed and received his flight orders for today. He'll be gone for five months, boot camp and then advanced training, before coming home.

My problem is I haven't seen him since Gramma's service on Friday. And he was very distant with me, avoided my like the plague.

He has issues, left unresolved, and specifically the night before Gramma's service, with his girlfriend not being allowed to miss school. (Long story.) He left me a text message at 6am this morning, not to ever call or text him again. To stay out of his life. (Ouch.)

I deserve to be treated with respect too. There's a song my guy sings a couple of lines of... "...why must you be such an angry young man, ...your future looks quite bright to me..." I will miss him and hope he comes to his senses someday. Love you, Buddy.

Discussing this with my guy late last night, only caused me more drama and heartache. One thing lead to another and before long, we were arguing over my son and my family, and my guy's relationship with them. It's been a long bumpy road, and I do not know we'll make it through this.

My guy left without saying "goodbye" last night. He'll be gone for a week. I'm not sure he'll be coming home again, for anything longer than to pack his things.

So, to Gramma, my son, and my guy....I miss you all.

UPDATE: Later 04.09.08:
My guy phoned to say he loves me.


Donna said...

You will make it. We women are strong. Sometimes we just have to wait, because the men are slow to come around (google "Waiting" by John Burroughs).

The son will come around. The guy will come around. Let it happen. And if it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to be.

No matter what, I will guarantee you that YOU are the strongest one.

Becky said...

It seems like when we are at our most distraut, stressed, and sorrowful moments that we seem to attract more drama. I don't know why it's YOUR fault the girlfriend couldn't miss school. But that doesn't matter. Your son is probably scared witless and needed a target to vent his frustrations on. Boot camp will CHANGE him. He'll change his tune soon enough.

As for your man, it's a rule. Never have serious discussions about life and family right after a funeral. Emotions are high and you often can't control what comes out of your mouth. You both need time to cool off. I hope then that cooler heads with prevail.

Nancy said...

How sad...all of sad.

Hang in there, and do your best to think of the positive stuff. It will get better!

big hug,

MariesImages said...

Sorry to hear about your loss~

~~Kath~~ said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your Gramma. At least she's walking among the angels, and forevermore happy!
As for your son, I think lots of times I made drama with my friends when it was nearing time to move, yet again - being the military brat that I was. It made saying goodbye - or not - a bit easier and less painful. It forced some separation from the situation. Maybe it's just anxiety about being away from you/his girlfriend that caused your son to act that way. If he's "Mad" at you, it's easier not to CRY when he leaves. (When my son left for bootcamp, he did cry, and it was painful for me to see him hurting so badly - but he was leaving behind his wife and newborn, too.)
Have faith, I think bootcamp will make your son realize how wonderful his mother is, and how much he misses you!
Huge hugs

Anonymous said...

I ran across your journal and just wanted to say hello. My husband and I are from lawton, and were stationed at Fort Sill, for nearly 4 years, we still live in the area :P I am sending lots of love to you and your faimly