Re-Posting

I posted these photos earlier this week and forgot to include my Journal entry! Goes to show you where I'm at mentally, huh? LOL

So, once again...

SEEMS SO PEACEFUL

The view from my parents' backyard is absolutely beautiful, even breathtaking. My parents retired from their jobs and moved to Idaho five years ago, following me from California. They built their home long distance, if you will., through the photos I took on a daily basis. I bought my very first digital camera when they were shopping for a lot to build their home on. Then, I went around to the different subdivisions and found several "perfect" lots. I would send the photos via email... it would take hours to email photos back then! They decided on this lot, definitely a "perfect" lot. There would never be any homes built to block their view of the mountains just north of Boise. The large pond behind their little fishing guy, is a spur off the Boise River, full of fish and wildlife. And yes, that's a golf course on the other side.

This statue in my parents' yard reminds me of my little brother... he is such a fisherman! I remember his first catch when he was just three years old!

When my Dad had another heart attack a few weeks ago, I called my daughter. She hasn't answered my calls since Christmas, so I left a message. I explained my Dad was in the hospital again. When she called back, we talked about her visiting sometime soon. My Mom had started her chemo treatments and was feeling very sick. My daughter wanted to come home to visit her grandparents, I wanted to help her do so. We figured out which days my Mom would feel her best between treatments, and booked her flights for her visit.

My daughter arrived last Saturday night. I hadn't seen her since our upset before Christmas, and I wanted everything to be perfect for her stay with me that night. Hence, the SIX HOURS of shampooing carpets after working 50 hours at work all week! I was so exhausted. Tired as I was, I picked my daughter up at the airport and we went to dinner, just the two of us. It was really nice to visit with her. I miss her so much. She would stay Saturday night with me, then Sunday morning we would go to my parents' together. Sunday night, she would stay with my parents and spend all day Monday with them while I returned to work. Monday night she would come back home and I would take her to the airport, early Tuesday morning.

Our visit Sunday with my parents was good. Good for a while. My Mom just doesn't realize the sharpness of her tongue, she never has. She insisted that this was my daughter's visit with them, as if I was imposing. And before long, she was bringing up issues from our bout at Christmas.

At one point, I turned and looked my Mom, straight in the eyes and told her what she was saying was not true, that these awful things never happened! She accused me of lying. I was shocked! Was she there when these supposed things happened? No. I was furious!

It is so hard to love someone who can say nothing good about you. My Dad tried to "hush, hush" my Mom. He knew she was outside safe boundaries with me. Me, I just wanted to fly out of there, but I didn't. I never do.

Why do I sit there and take such verbal attacks? Is it out of respect for her - don't talk back to your parents? Is it that I'm used to such verbal abuse from her, that I let it roll off me? Well, my stomach turned to knots. It was not rolling off me at all. About then, someone piped up and mentioned the birds and roses outside, and maybe I'd like to go out and get some photos. This is when I took these beautiful shots of my parents' yard. I left a few minutes later.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for either of my parents. I want to spend time together as a family, having bar-b-ques and holiday dinners together. I want to help them with anything and everything they need, especially now that their health is failing. But a person can take so much before they know they cannot be around the people that inflict so much pain. My Mom calls me ungrateful, and says it was a mistake for them to move here.

My daughter had a wonderful visit with my parents. I'm so glad for this. I hope she's able to visit again soon. She and I never spoke of our troubles at Christmas, and I was dying to resolve some of the issues that occurred, bringing the holidays to a screeching halt, tearing my family apart. Now, riding to the airport, she could not run away, she was held captive. I'm sure my timing was not right. My mistake. But, the holidays will be here again before we know it, and I really do want to work things out with my family. What I found out is, bottom line, there will be no reconciliation of the issues from our Christmas falling out. Ever.

Within minutes of me dropping my daughter at the airport - there were no hugs, it was a bitter departure - my Mom called. She wanted to thank me for planning this visit with my daughter and making it happen. She says she had a wonderful visit with both of my kids and wished she could see more of them. She was on her way to her chemo treatment, as she spoke. I was on my way to work. An hour later, I received a text message from my daughter, she was home in Seattle.